No Longer of the Streets?

I stopped posting in large part because I had to set aside my practice in favor of a massive material-world overhaul of my life. I am leaving the Bay Area! My partner and I decided on this about five months ago, and everything we have done up until now has been preparing for it.

We are leaving to live with his parents in a tiny town in the Catskills, in New York State. I will be surrounded by trees, there will be adequate water, the air will be clean and if I'm woken up by gunshots, it's deer season.

I'm nervous, because this actually means I need to pull together as a freelancer and learn to make cash without a clock to punch. However, both my overdeveloped work ethic and my sense of self-sufficiency will probably do me well as a freelancer, and...I will finally, FINALLY have time to write, paint, craft and practice my spirituality as integral parts of my life, instead of having only the scraps of time and energy for them that are left over after my job, commute and dealing with my terrible neighborhood.

It's a risk. But it is absolutely what I wanted, and I thank the spirits and many supportive humans for the chance to do it. The plan is to live with my partner's family while we refurbish an old school bus into an RV to live in. Eventually, we will start wandering across country. It's my desire to eventually buy a small patch of land outside a city to park the bus on and put down roots. Right now the Pacific Northwest is looking most inviting for political, climate and social reasons.

I'll be posting again on spiritual matters once the move is done and I am settled again. Meanwhile, the story of my trip can be found here:

She's Going On An Adventure

Spiritual Leader, My Butt: Some Blunt Suggestions on How to Cope When an Elder In Your Spiritual Group Turns Out to be A Perverse Piece of Crap

As promised, below is a practical follow up to this post.

Here is a list of things that I wish someone had said to me before I ever joined the Pagan group where I was molested and harassed by an "Elder in good standing". Hopefully it will help others who encounter a group run or co-run by a predator.

POWER CORRUPTS.
ALSO, SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST ASSHOLES.

A person in the role of religious leader commands a certain level of respect and trust from those within his or her group. However, there are always going to be some people who gain power, have it immediately go to their heads and start thinking that their leadership role in one aspect of life puts them above others in all aspects of life. They feel entitled to exploit those looking to them for leadership, and do it without conscience, playing up the "wisdom" and "initiatory knowledge" they offer in return. A particularly vile subset of these corrupt religious leaders extends his or her sense of entitlement to the bodies of adherents -- or to the bodies of their children. As much as we don't like acknowledging it, some Elders are completely corrupt, and some of those will either try to weasel into your pants or should never be left alone with your kids.

It's sad to think about, and sadder still to have to plan for. But if you don't face facts, and learn the warning signs of such predators, you and your loved ones end up more vulnerable to them.

RELIGIOUS LEADERS' AUTHORITY ENDS WHERE YOUR RIGHTS BEGIN.
FULL STOP.

If someone in your spiritual group has made you genuinely uncomfortable, ignored basic physical, emotional or privacy boundaries, made exploitive demands or tried to manipulate you, it doesn't matter what rank they are or which gods they claim love them. They have exceeded their rights and abused their authority, and regardless of whether the other leaders oppose or protect them, they do not deserve your respect. Certainly, they do not deserve your trust or your unquestioning obedience -- though this kind of person will demand it the most.

IF THEY IGNORE YOUR RIGHTS,
THEY DON'T BELONG IN AUTHORITY OVER ANYONE.

The first thing you have to do when someone in religious authority over you attempts to abuse or exploit you or your loved ones is to remove their power and influence over you. This must be done emotionally, intellectually, and most of all, practically. Get away from that person, get your loved ones away, and get your head clear on dealing with him or her after that. Exploitive leaders are very persuasive, and will try to confuse and manipulate you or those close to you. You have to firm your resolve against these people and anyone blindly defending them (which, sadly, may include friends or relatives), and ignore what the predators are saying. Any incidentally valid points in their statements are guaranteed to be swimming in gallons of self-serving bullshit.

DON'T LET ANYONE MINIMIZE WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH.
INCLUDING YOU.

The biggest mistake I made in this situation was caving in to pressure to minimize the severity of what my own attacker did to me. I did this because at his most blatant, he was following me around an event constantly sexually molesting me while I was too tranced out (and terrified) to do anything. The head of the House and several elders witnessed his doing this, and said and did nothing. I made the mistake of convincing myself that I was overreacting somehow, because "more enlightened" people watched the whole thing and didn't give a shit. Now I realize that that was because the House leader and other witnesses were terrible people, but at the time I believed in them and followed their lead. Don't do this, and don't listen to anyone who tries to do it to you.

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, AND BE SMART ABOUT IT.

Document your experiences. Names, dates, who was there, what the circumstances were. But don't wait until you have a lot of documentation to speak out against the abuser.

Don't be scared to act up...intelligently, and with the purpose of exposing the predator. My predator's "defense" was that he was possessed by a spirit at the time he went after me sexually...multiple times, with multiple spirits involved. (Apparently West African tricksters, Hindu deities and Aesir all really love my badonk and can't keep their hands off it). Now this was a guy who was pretty much infamous for faking possession; the other Elders joked that his possessions were basically "him channeling him" a lot of the time. Yet they accepted his excuse. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have turned this on its ear. "Oh, gee, I had no idea I threw a drink in your face and called you a lying old pervert with a raisin-sized weewee in front of everyone. I was possessed!" Ah, missed opportunities.

If you are safe and can manage it, tell your abuser in no uncertain terms to stop. Do not, however, threaten any consequences. These people are masters of ass-coverage, and will scramble straight into that mode the moment they think some consequences might come of their vile actions. If you tell them there will be reprecussions, especially if you get specific, they will start planning their "defense" -- usually a character assassination of you. So just tell them that what they are doing is wrong and that you won't put up with them doing it any more, and leave it at that. Don't give them a warning, and thus lead time, when it comes to your plans.

Standing up to them can also be good for you personally, though the exploiter's reaction can be unpredictable. Some will be scared off by a show of backbone. Others will throw a tantrum, or try to "test" the new boundary to see if they can overcome it. This is why it is usually best to make sure this confrontation happens in front of witnesses. Not only is it less dangerous, but there is a good chance that he will show something of his true colors when confronted. Provided that your group isn't solidly composed of idiots, at least some of the witnesses should take notice.

EXPECT TO TAKE SOME HITS EMOTIONALLY.

Sadly, don't expect that you'll be able to resolve the issue by confronting your exploiter. Not only will these predators deny any wrongdoing, but they'll do anything they can to gaslight you and anyone else involved into believing the same. If someone responds to your saying "stop constantly staring at my breasts, it's making me uncomfortable" with "oh, sorry" and no longer staring, they weren't trying to exploit anyone, they were just being mannerless horndogs. Real exploiters don't give a damn. If they had enough conscience to acknowledge that they were doing wrong, they wouldn't be trying to use you or your kids in the first place.

UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE AT RISK.

These people are guaranteed to seek out other victims if you won't cave in. That means that you have a moral obligation to say something to your group. This will not be easy. A lot of people respond to news like this by denying or minimizing any incidents, at least at first. Be ready with your accounts of what happened, including details like where and when. Expect frustration. Expect to find out who your friends in the group really are.

SO SAY SOMETHING.
BUT DON'T EXPECT ANYONE WILL BE HAPPY TO HEAR IT.

Start with a trusted authority figure or senior member of the group. If you don't trust anyone in power in the group, skip this step and get the HELL out of the group. If you can't trust them, they can only help you grow spiritually at a distance -- by serving as an example of how not to act.

Warn others who might be vulnerable. New members, young members, those wrestling with mood disorders or recent loss. If this guy tried to target your kids and he's still breathing, make sure that parents in the group know why you called the cops on him.

Expect backlash. If you found no reliable religious leaders to go to in your group, or did not go to all of them, the others are guaranteed to kick up a stink about it, especially if the police end up involved. One of the craziest reactions that I saw in my old group, and have heard about in others, was that a statement of intent to go to the authorities if action was not taken was viewed as a serious threat to the group -- while having a sexual predator in a position of power among them barely seemed to bother them. Even if the group as a whole finally comes around to face facts and support you, at least some of them won't, especially at first, and it is going to hurt.

THE OTHER GROUP LEADERS MAY DO THE RIGHT THING.
BUT THEY ALSO MAY NOT.

Don't be surprised if challenging a well entrenched spiritual leader ends with your being cast out of the group. It isn't fair, it isn't rational, but for some reason a disappointing number of people will be more angry at the person who disrupts the group by seeking justice than at the toxic person who is causing actual problems. As an example, I gave the group leader the names and contact information of two other people whom my would-be predator had exploited sexually, and she never followed through. Her head remained firmly in the sand, and within a month I was out. It was painful, but it would have been less so had I prepared myself for the possibility.

IF THE GROUP TAKES THE PREDATOR'S SIDE, IT'S ON THEM.

Keep owning and standing up for the truth even if your spiritual group rejects you and claims you are lying or overreacting. This includes calling the police if your legal rights have been violated or your safety is threatened. Some may whine that the police may take the opportunity to harass the other members of the Pagan group, which is a possibility -- but only a possibility, whereas what happened to you and will continue to happen to others is actual reality. And let's be real: if the leaders of the group refuse to deal with the criminal in their midst in a way that protects other members, they have no damned business complaining when you're forced to go to outside authorities. They should have gotten off their butts when you came to them first.

LEAVE THE GODS OUT OF IT.

Don't let yourself believe that your treatment by a corrupt group of flawed human beings is supported by the deities or spirits the group honors, that these Powers will reject you for leaving the group, or that you need the group to work with them. Seriously, if your spiritual group put you through the kind of Hell that mine did, you don't need it to work with the spirits. In fact, your spiritual relationships can only be strengthened once you walk away from a bad group, because you won't be wading through their crap while you seek spiritual truths.

Don't waste time wondering why the powers that be didn't help you. In case you have not noticed by now, gods, spirits and deities don't exactly come running to our rescue when we're in serious physical-world trouble. Sometimes they step in in a real way, but it's unpredictable; thus, you cannot rely on them to save you from that or any situation. You need to rely on yourself, on trustworthy human beings and on the knowledge and experience of those who have faced or documented similar things before you.

Think about it. Genuinely miraculous occurrences happen, but they're pretty damn rare. The Ultimately Powerful, Eternally Loving Celestial Babysitter image of the Divine got drilled into a lot of us as kids, but it's crap. If it wasn't, no child would ever starve to death, no one would ever get away with murder and we wouldn't be dealing with a corrupt-scumbag infestation among religious elders in the first place. In reality, if you want the help of the Powers That Be, expect to do a lot of real-world work too. They will guide you, help you, maybe provide serendipity here and there -- but it's no substitute for standing up and dealing with things yourself. Spirit work and the help of the gods supplements positive personal action. It rarely if ever replaces it completely -- even when we really, really need it to.

If the gods actually do punish the douchebag in question, expect a wave of denial that would swamp the Queen Mary to go through any group members supporting him. Example: some time after I finally told the group about my would-be predator, and realized that they wouldn't listen to or protect me, he actually did get hit with a well-aimed Karma Hammer. The accident happened on a day very sacred to his head deity, the circumstances were inexplicable, and they quickly led to his losing his job and being kicked out of his condo by his now ex girlfriend. I commented quietly to the leader of the group: "wow, I guess (head deity) really didn't like what he did to me." She hastily dismissed it, saying "No, He was clearly just pissed off about (something else entirely)." After all, in her mind what her butt-grinding buddy did to me was no crime, and clearly nothing that would anger a higher being.

Thinking about it now, she always was a real piece of work.

My advice is that on the oft chance that Something Does Happen, don't be surprised if deniers blind themselves to it. If they do, don't listen; chalk them off as the moral cowards they are, and ignore their excuse-making.

IF PEOPLE ASK WHY YOU LEFT THE GROUP, BE HONEST.

It's hard to know what to do when you have to leave a spiritual group thanks to problems like this. All the rage may prompt you to start a revenge campaign of spreading your story everywhere. That is up to you, but unless you're very careful and calculated about it, and are ready to deal with an explosion of wank from your former spiritual home, it may be more trouble than it is worth. However. There is absolutely nothing obliging you to protect a group that harbors and protects a predatory pervert. So don't think you have to bite your tongue, smile, and give some noncommittal answer about how it "just didn't work out" if someone asks why you left. Tell your story. Be completely honest. People will draw their own conclusions, and your former group will throw a giant tantrum if they find out. But not only does it get a warning out about the scumbag and his enablers -- it's also how you find out that you're not alone. If I had not shared my story, I would never have met two of that piece of crap's other targets, or learned of others within the community who have been wronged. Solidarity with your fellow survivors is powerful: it helps give back the voice that your predator and those who sided with him tried to take away.

NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WORK ON MOVING ON, IT WILL HURT FOR A WHILE. MAYBE A LONG WHILE.

Having a religious leader leap off his pedestal and try to land on you feet (or cock) first is painful. Having members of the group then circle the wagons against you hurts like hell, and so does watching other "enlightened spiritual leaders" go into such deep denial of wrongdoing that they even deny things they personally witnessed. Worst of all is realizing that it will be a hard, taxing fight to try and get any justice at all, that you will likely have to do it alone, that your detractors will defame you as crazy or a liar to discredit you, and that you can't expect to get any real vindication from it. My point is that however many of these things you end up experiencing, it's going to be rough to get over for a while. Therapy, spiritual work and support groups are all good options for getting through this time. But whatever you do, don't make your recovery dependent on seeing your attacker face justice or getting your former religious group to admit they were wrong. Realistically speaking, it may never happen, even if you go to the police. Seek justice, but do not rely emotionally on achieving it. It is a rare commodity in this world -- but one that will become less rare the more we keep fighting for it.

Check-in after a very long time....

I took a few years off from any real shamanic exploration, in favor of working on getting various health issues under control. As it turns out, I had both undiagnosed and improperly treated problems, such as my apnea, which was woefully undertreated, thanks to a negligent doctor having me on the wrong settings for years despite regular check-ins. Because of this, I was getting the functional equivalent of about four hours of sleep a night--upward from about two a night previously since I was little. That's a lot of sleep debt. Now that I'm under the care of a competent sleep doctor, I can much more easily focus--including on spiritual matters.

A whole lot has happened since I set aside my creative and spiritual life to work on core personal issues. My therapist, George, who supported me for years while I was in the worst part of my struggles, died last year. I owe him for getting me writing again, for helping me to get past the anguish of being betrayed by my spiritual group, for helping me reconcile with my family, for teaching me to manage my emotions better and for helping get my anxiety attacks under full control. The guy really helped me get my feet under me, and he remains an inspiration.

I have semi-maintained my altar and gear since shutting things down for a while. The only spiritual work I have done is a little crafting, a little advising. Now, it's time to not only move the altar but also revamp the whole thing. I need to make room for George on the memorial section, and my ideas of altar layout have evolved considerably. I am realizing that I was still trying to cling to practices that have no personal spiritual meaning, giving equal space for spirits I honor but no longer work with, and being lackadaisical about design. I'm an art major--I can do better.

As I prepare to take up my rattle again, I have been using a tool which I originally started working with a few months ago for stress and insomnia. Binaural Beats are a kind of sound wave therapy, and are also very handy for masking outside sound when you are trying to meditate or journey. I have had surprisingly good results after several weeks of trying it out--though only while using headphones. I'll probably do a more detailed write-up after another few months of testing.

Here is a link to a free Binaural Beats web site.

Beware of Those who Brag and Shout...

One thing that I have come to realize is that the louder a person trumpets their spiritual "talents", the more likely they are to be either self-deluded or raging frauds. Sadly, I have seen far too many examples of this, especially (big surprise) on the Internet. 

There is a place for pride in one's accomplishments and spiritual connections. By no means am I advocating that we all turn into hypermodest and self-denying hermits who never advertise our services or seek to build a reputation as the real deal. Whether you are a card reader or a full fledged minister in a faith, if you have a real connection with Divinity that you are nurturing and in turn using to help others, you have a right to the self confidence and sense of accomplishment that comes from that. I'm not talking about such people. I am talking about the complete blowhards of the magickal and spiritual communities.

We've all met them, at least those of us who have been around the block a few times. People like that include the arrogant church deacon who badmouths his fellows to elevate himself; the medium who likes to put on a giant show to get attention but never actually submits to possession, and my current favorite, the racist, braggart Mambo. There are two examples of the RBM clogging up the Internet right now; one is more famous and successful than the other, but both behave in about the same way. The chest-pounding about "power", "effectiveness", "authenticity rarely found elsewhere" and so on is endless. If a competitor or questioner arises, that person must be SQUASHED through verbal attacks, harassment and character assassination. And woe betide an actual customer who dares complain....

If they weren't hurting others and doing disservice to the spirits, these people would be almost comical. Both come on very strong, offering a lot of "free information" which always leads back infomercial style to advertising their products and services. Both consistently badmouth other races in similar fashion (one RBM is white, the other black, but the behavior is near identical). Both claim to have special privilege with the spirits; there is actually a video where a smug RBM brags about her initiation, claims that a certain very popular Lwa "is hers" and that she is his voice, and compares uninitiated people who call on him (which would include the majority of Hatians) to stray dogs. Both have hair trigger tempers and jump eagerly to attack others, both drag their friends and initiatory family into their Internet fights for "backup", and both have developed a reputation for tantrum-throwing, threats, money hunger and fraud. The problem is that along the way, they have taken a lot of people for a lot of money and damaged a lot of people's faiths. And that is unforgivable.

Anyone who has been burned by a spiritual fake can describe to you the detrimental effects of trusting someone like that. But how do we avoid them? First off, one must always listen to one's instincts. Anyone, no matter how much of an ass they are at heart, is willing to ACT nice and cordial and sympathetic when they have dollar signs in their eyes. But if you find yourself with niggling doubts about a spiritual leader who wants (usually a lot) of money to do a working or divination for you, LISTEN TO THEM. Step back. Move immediately on to the second and even more important step in  avoiding a fraud: DO YOUR RESEARCH. Read up on them. See what people are saying. Take note of what other people charge for the same service, and take note as well of any fraud sites where former victims of these people might have posted warnings. Just keyword searching their names can get you a wealth of information. In my case, it is how I learned that one of the RBMs I mentioned before has a long history of her initiates leaving on bad terms and denying association, even re-kanzoing to sever all connection with her house. The other one (the "voice of the Lwa") has a serious criminal record, including for attacking her own children, and is decried on various fraud sites. After learning this information I was very relieved that I had never paid a cent to either of them.

In the matter of possessory and other spirit-connected religions, from shamanism to Vodou, another key is to KNOW YOUR SPIRITS (research and talking to multiple people will help) and to know your spiritual tradition. Once you have that information in hand, do all that you can to WATCH AND LISTEN to the suspected fake without letting yourself get into a position where you are vulnerable to them. The medium I mentioned at the beginning of this post was a subtle performer with a lot of knowledge of the possessions he was faking, but it was only a matter of time before an equally knowledgeable person could spy out that it was all an act. I watched. I listened. I waited. My suspicions were confirmed when I watched him completely botch a faked Damballah possession. Damballah, a mute snake who crawls on the ground and hisses, was suddenly walking around making solemn pronouncements to people in a clear voice. It was a truly revealing moment, stripped away any remaining illusions about the man, and also removed much of my fear of speaking up against him, because he looked so ridiculous. Fakes can't maintain their act perfectly forever; eventually they expose themselves. The key is to make sure they don't get the chance to make off with your money or your trust in the meantime.

I suppose that what it all boils down to is that you should really GET TO KNOW any spiritual leader or service provider before trusting them with your spirituality or your cash. Nobody legitimate is going to mind if you spend some time considering and asking questions, because they have nothing to hide. I know that many of us only think of paying for a service when we are desperate, but desperation makes one vulnerable. It is a million times better to work on your problems from the physical world side while you take the time to make sure that the help you seek in spirit is actually trustworthy. Better yet is to make the acquaintance of spiritual workers outside of crisis time, so that you will already know who to go to when a problem crops up that you need help with. We don't bite--at least the honest ones of us don't!

Seven Ways to Cleanse Yourself of Nasty Energies

You’ve had a trying day. You may have had an argument with a loved one, a bad work shift, a stressful commute—or something worse, like a mugging. Whatever the case, you have come home feeling dirty, exhausted and unbalanced. Just relaxing isn’t going to make the feeling go away—if you can relax at all. What do you do? Here are seven methods of spiritual cleansing that will help get you feeling better, stronger and more focused.

Smudging: many herbs and resins, when burned, produce a smoke which helps cleanse and re-energize the aura. These include copal, sage, frankincense, myrrh, cedar, sweetgrass, benzoin, dragon’s blood, pine needles or resin, and lavender. If you have a relationship with one of the above plant spirits, or your guardian has a preference, that should be your first resort. Whatever you use, first take several deep breaths and speak to the spirit of the plant, asking them for help cleansing yourself. Light the herb bundle or charcoal and get your herb smoking. Then, with your hands, a fan or feather, guide the smoke over yourself and through your aura. Imagine the smoke is flowing through you, dislodging the spiritual “dirt”, diluting it, and pushing it out of you to dissipate harmlessly in the air. Depending on the strength of your relationship with the plant, your experience with smudging and how “dirty” you are feeling, you may need to repeat the process a few times.

Benzoin--an excellent smudge for purifying and energizing.

Salt Bath: Run yourself a nice hot bath—as hot as you can stand to soak in. While it is still running, throw in a cup of salt (and half a cup of baking soda if you have it available). You can also add cleansing and energizing herbs or oils such as lemon, clary, or bay. Soak for at least twenty minutes. The hot water and salt will help you sweat out and release toxins into the water; the salt will absorb the bad energy and carry it down the drain once you pull the plug. Follow up with a brief, cooler shower to get the salt off of you and “wake up” your body. Anoint with a protection oil or water afterward for a little extra “oomph” and to leave you feeling clean longer.

Crystals and Stones: Certain crystals and stones can be used as “cleansing stones”, rubbed over the body and passed through the aura to loosen and suck up “heavy” energies. I tend to use hematite, brown jasper or another heavy duty grounding stone for this purpose. Approach the crystal’s spirit and ask it to take on this soul-burden temporarily, promising to cleanse it afterward. Pass the stone over yourself, going on for at least fifteen minutes while you visualize the unhealthy energy being pulled out of you. Then cleanse the stone using salt or smoke. For some people the stone meditation seems to work better for them than smudging directly. After the cleansing process, I take up another stone (quartz, especially rose quartz or amethyst, works well for this) that has been approached and empowered to give me an energetic boost, and pass it over myself as well, then keep it in my hand or pocket for a while. The second stone can later be placed on your altar or in the sun to “recharge”.

Hematite--a useful stone for cleansing, grounding and protection.

Other Objects: Depending on one’s spiritual tradition and cultural background, various objects have been used to cleanse the aura and can be useful to your practice. The classic example of this is the Limpia or egg cleansing. To perform an egg cleansing, write blessings on the egg in the form of your god or guardian’s name. Run the egg over as much of yourself as you can reach (it is easiest to get another person’s help with this to be thorough), while visualizing the egg slurping up all the unpleasant energy caught in your aura and body. Continue for at least fifteen minutes. Then break the egg into a white or clear bowl; the contents will likely be messy or rotten looking. Flush the results and wash the bowl thoroughly before using it again. Follow up with a brush-down with cleansing herbs such as sage, bay leaves or cilantro and a sprinkling of pure or blessed water to re-energize your aura. A similar egg cleansing is practiced in northern Italy. The advantage of cleansing using disposable objects is that you do not have to purify them afterward.

Rattling, Drumming, Singing Bowl: Ritual music of any type can help purify and energize. If at all possible, use live music, and have someone perform for you, either rattling around your body or filling the room with drum, bell or bowl work. This will provide a “flush” of clean, healthy energy which will loosen and take away any ickiness while recharging you psychically. Fifteen to twenty minutes of sound work is generally enough. Note: If you have a headache from all the stress sound work should not be your first choice as it may aggravate your physical symptoms.

Breath Work and Visualization: This is one of the harder self purification methods since it has no physical focus, but on the other hand you can do it anywhere and it requires no materials. Find a comfortable spot. Breathe deeply and slowly (inhale, hold, exhale all to the count of five, for example), and spend a little while just focusing on your breath. Then begin to visualize: the air entering your lungs, the oxygen and clean energy entering your body and circulating throughout, the carbon dioxide and heavy energy being exhaled to dissipate harmlessly with each breath. Depending on your level of practice you may need up to fifteen minutes in order to reach a state of relaxed focus.

Asperging and Anointment: This method is good for when you just don't have time or opportunity for a full bath, or are in a place like a hotel room where you cannot burn incense. Take a handful of fresh herbs, an asperger or fingertips and use them to apply (or have applied to you) a sprinkling of pure or consecrated water, Florida water, or water shaken up with a bit of alcohol and a purifiying/energizing oil such as lemon, clary, orange, or rosemary. Continue sprinkling as you visualize the asperging as a cleansing rain that washes out impurities and replaces them with a soothing, protective energy.

Everyone has crappy days. But you don't have to feel crappy once it's over. Find the method or methods that work best for you, then experiment with combining them, such as following up a soothing bath with a round of drumming. When you find something that works for you, give yourself a good cleansing when things get bad--or at least once a week just as "maintenance". You'll feel cleaner, more focused, and more relaxed. And we could all use a bit more of that in our lives.

FAQ--a work in progress

1. Why do you call yourself a shaman?
I use the word "shaman" regularly simply because it is the most well known word in English for what I do. Period. There are those who go on about people from outside the Tungus culture using that word, but I think their case for cultural appropriation is a tad bit thin if all that is being used is their word for what is ultimately a highly varied global practice. If some jackass claims to be a Tungus Shaman just because the spirits talk to him, then we definitely have a problem. But Hindus don't generally complain when Pagans or others discuss the concept of karma; nobody whines because tete a tete, savoir faire or other French phrases have crept into the (admittedly kleptomanaical) English language. In English the word "shaman" has become a blanket term for a certain class of spirit-workers. It may not be anthropologically correct, but there you have it. Tiptoeing around the words "shaman" and "shamanism" because it's yet another of English's borrow words doesn't do anything but confuse English speakers.

2. How can you claim any sort of authority as a teacher?
I'm not. I'm merely stating what I have learned, what I believe, what works for me and what might work for others. Will I teach people if I am called to do so? Yes. Do I claim some special authority to do so? No. I have my experience, and the instructions I have received, and if the spirits send people my way I'll do my best for them. But I'm not Awesome Guru Chick or anything like that. I'm just me.

3. Are you a "core" shaman?
My first teacher was trained by Michael Harner, but she neither limited her teachings and work to his system, nor put me through his official "workshops". Nor is my own practice limited to core shamanic practices. I do not believe that shamanism can be completely extracted from any cultural context whatsoever, any more than human experience in general. To that end my shamanism has more to do with Mircea Eliade than Harner. My culture is Italian, Scots, American, urban, multiculturally-influenced, working class, humanist, naturalist, San Francisco Bay Area. It is also Internet, geek, gamer, netizen solidarity, and non-classist ethical anarchy. The spirits I attract vary greatly because of this, but the main ones are my rather scary Guardian and one of the local Tricksters.

4. Are you a shaman, a medium, or a witch?
...yes. :D But my primary work is shamanic.

5. What kinds of spirits do you work with?
Animal and totemic spirits are my primary focus, but I have worked with ghosts and ancestors, Pagan gods and possessory spirits such as Orixa.

6. Are you initiated under any Orixa or Lwa?
No. Nor do I claim to be.

7. Do you have a totem and spirit guides? What are they?
There are spirits I work with which are "public" and happy to be spoken about, and others that are more private. My most potent relationship that I can speak about publicly is with Raven.

8. Why do you stress morality so much?
I stress morality so much in large part because so many magical practitioners do not. There is a serious dearth of strong ethics in modern day Neopaganism; "harm none" is argued over more than it is practiced, people cast spells at each other thoughtlessly and there is little if any code of conduct for dealing with clients or the spirits. I have been the target of malevolent or manipulative spellcasting multiple times, harassed sexually (and then told to stop being so sensitive/being a prude/causing trouble) by so-called Pagan Elders, and seen my mate harassed sexually as well. I have watched shamans charging serious money for initiation or services, essentially shutting out anyone who cannot pay their exorbitant fees. And yet these people claim to serve the spirits, the Earth and its people...it just goes on and on. Ethics are important. Honor is important. The world already has too many people in it who would wreck everyone around them for their own gain. They are the reason life is so unhappy for so many of the rest of us. Don't be one of them.

9. Who taught you and how long was your training?
I received healing and instruction from a core/eclectic urban shaman for three years. I joined an eclectic Pagan group headed by a Gardnerian and learned the basics of witchcraft, gemstone work, the formulation of magical oils and incenses, and the creation of magical tools. As a witch, I practiced solitary and in various groups for five years. I was a member of NROOGD (the New Reformed Order of the Golden Dawn) for two years before joining an African Traditionalist group and staying for another two. I received my Reiki I and II initiation during the same period. Due to abuse within my last spiritual group, I left off all spiritual pursuit and practice for a few years in order to focus on my mundane life. Once I had successfully overcome most of the problems thrown at me during this period, I found myself returning to my spiritual roots as an urban shaman, and have practiced regularly ever since.

10. Who initiated you?
Bluntly put, the spirits did--which is the only real way one can experience a shamanic initiation. It cannot be bought, it cannot be truly conveyed by another human being--the spirits themselves are the final arbiters and initiators. If you are called to the shamanic path you know it. Not as an ego thing, but rather because if you drag your feet or head in the wrong direction you will find your life going haywire in truly bizarre ways until you return to the path. Accepting the path, on the other hand, rewarded me with a sort of soul-deep conviction which is not ego-involved, and is thus unshakable. Earlier in my life I was deeply preoccupied with my lack of material-world credentials (or the money with which to buy them), but now I realize that that was because I placed the opinions of human beings over the truth of my calling. Such thinking is wrongheaded; if you have the skills, the favor of the spirits and the devotion, you don't need a piece of paper calling you an "official" shaman.

11. Don't you know that you're going to Hell?
Nnnnnno. I don't, and neither do you. I think that anyone who seriously believes that God is some controlling, hyper-vengeful asshole who would literally torture someone forever for not following a single, narrow spiritual and moral path is not only wrong--they're a little messed up in the head. Nor am I about to get scared into converting. Pursuing this line of argument with me, therefore, is completely pointless. Have you considered instead that maybe nobody is going to Hell? That God wouldn't roast someone eternally for finite offenses--especially ones that are no actual "offense" to anyone with their head on straight? "You got tattoos. You like wool blends. One more for the lake of fire..." NO. That doesn't even make any sense. Only humans are that crazily judgmental--not God.

12.Why do you warn people about the spirit world?
There is an unfortunate subset of spirit workers who truly believe, bless their hearts, that all is love, light and positive vibrations in the spirit world. Unfortunately this is not and has never been the case. The idea that Spirit only exists in a positive sense is a new development among countless older traditions which show the spirits to have at least as broad a moral gamut as the human one. There are spirits that will play you. There are spirits that are benevolent if pleased and very dangerous when pissed off. Finally, there are the kind of spirits that should make you glad as heck for your Guardians. Just like you wouldn't automatically extend trust to every single human you meet, you shouldn't do it with spirits.

13. What is shaman's sickness?
Shaman's sickness has been called a part of a shaman's initiatory experience. I would go a step further. Shaman's sickness is the boot you get up your ass when the spirits are trying to get you to agree to walk the path. The more you fight or stray in the wrong direction, the worse it gets. Shaman's sickness may take the form of physical, mental or emotional illness, amazingly crappy luck, or spiritual trials that derail attempts to walk other paths. My own shaman's sickness was prolonged, painful, and required an uphill battle against almost all of the above trials. I am very grateful toward those who supported me during this time, and hope all the best for them. But it would have been better to simply stay on the path to begin with. The difference between shaman's sickness and ordinary life trials is that the sickness goes away once you have become a believing and practicing shaman. This does not mean that becoming a shaman will solve all your life problems. But I can say from experience that my life improved significantly as soon as I embraced the path.

14. For what reasons do you pursue shamanism?
Besides getting my butt kicked every time I stray off the path (this makes the spirits seem rather mean, and they're not; this is just what I am supposed to be doing), I've never felt more right about any decision in my life. But that is just the gut-level motivation. On a higher level, I'm here to work. A shaman serves the spirits and her or his community. If I benefit along the way, fabulous, but ultimately I'm here to heal, advise and empower others. I wish I could describe to you the feeling of wholeness I experienced when I performed my first house purification for a desperate client. For once my actions and my true purpose were in line with each other. I don't think I can heal the world or society, but I think I can help people that wouldn't have gotten help otherwise. And that is enough.

15. Do you use psychoactives in your practice?

Occasionally. My view on psychoactive plant allies is that they must be approached with reverence, respect, and a hell of a lot of caution. Every time I see something like Ayahuasca for sale over the Internet I cringe, because the sacred vine is absolutely not something that should be approached in the wrong way. It is not entertainment; it is a powerful and dangerous sacrament that demands education, the proper set, setting and attitude, and the help of other humans to approach it properly. Approach it improperly, and the ass-kicking you receive from Ayahuasca could land you in the hospital or worse when, say, you wander hallucinating into traffic. You have to know what you are doing, approach with respect, prepare yourself spiritually and physically, gain the permission of the plant spirit, and be very, very clear in your goals before picking up a potent and sometimes unpredictable tool such as psychoactives. To do otherwise is to risk being led astray spiritually while damaging your physical health with side effects or addiction. To beginning shamans I would definitely say: learn to walk the path without psychoactive allies well before you even consider developing a relationship with one.

16. Why Shaman of the Streets?
The truth is, if I had my way and a nice pile of money it would be Shaman of the Nice Little Cottage on Ten Acres of Mostly Wildlands Surrounded By Forest. But we don't always get what we want. I'm a city girl, transit dependent and fairly poor, so I can't even get out to the green wilds often enough to practice regularly in nature. Also, most of the people I work with are urban as well. Because of this, I make do with what I have. My current and more reachable dream is to have a space large and private enough for a shamanic practice with a dedicated space for clients and personal workings. But that is much more likely to be a converted warehouse space than a cottage in the woods.

17. How dare you work with spirits when you're not part of an indigenous culture!
I'll tell you what. If you have a problem with my working with and for the spirits, talk to them about it. It was their decision, and though I have embraced my path I have no illusions that I had much choice in the matter. This is not a matter of cultural appropriation, or appropriation of any sort, except in the sense that my ass was appropriated by them for their purposes. And I'm fine with that. If you really think you're so much of an authority that you can second guess the Powers That Be because you don't like my ethnicity, take your "how dare you" to them and see how they react. Chances are that they'll react the same way I do: "I don't have time for your up-in-arms, narrow-minded bullshit."

18. How dare you contemplate taking on clients when you don't have any kind of certification!
There is a sub group of urban shamans--let's call them $hamans--who firmly believe that the only way to become a genuine shaman is to attend schools, workshops, etc. costing several hundred to thousands of dollars. Essentially, they seem to want to turn shamanism into not only a financial venture, but a spiritual practice that is only fully accessible to those who are wealthy enough to have that kind of disposable income. To which I say: Like Hell. Not only is this completely divorced from reality--the spirits choose whom they will--but it goes against the grain of public and spiritual service that shamans are supposed to be about. When a $haman confronts me about my lack of an Expensive Piece of Paper, I ask them why they consider their system of teaching to be the only genuine one, and why they price everything so high that the poor can neither learn from nor by served by it. They don't tend to like that.

19. So what gives your work and practice its legitimacy aside from the spirits' support?
Twenty years of eclectic training and experience, hard work, an open and creative mind, a big heart and a listening ear. Did I mention common sense? I have a lot of that too. I won't bullshit you or try to "upsell" services to you, and I focus on helping my clients as opposed to making a pile of money. Also, in the end, what gives my practice its legitimacy is that I get results.

20. Can you give an example of a client you've helped?
My most recent client was a young woman who had taken in a couch-surfer who then died suddenly of illness in her living room. Since then she could not sleep in her apartment or use the couch that he had used, and complained of his body odor lingering to a nauseating degree throughout the apartment. This smell did not dissipate once the couch was cleaned and the apartment cleaned and mopped. I gathered my tools and went over on the day of the man's funeral. Upon walking into her apartment I detected, not the smell she had described, but an intense heaviness and sense of nausea to the atmosphere that was not relieved by opening the windows. No one could bring themselves to sit on the large, comfortable looking couch. For this home cleansing, I primarily used my fire bowl, censing with copal and two other resins in turn, walking around the entire apartment, making sure that the smoke got into every crevice, drawer, cabinet and closet. When the smoke reached the corner where the man had died, I heard a loud male moan; I rebuked the spirit and spent a lot of time rattling and censing that corner, finally putting down a plate of salt to "soak up" any remaining energy. I also spent extra time over the couch and in the bathroom, where the deceased had divided almost all of his time. By the time I was finished, the heaviness was gone and both the client and her parents were crashed out on the couch. I left with instructions to throw the salt in the outside trash after leaving it for three days. Three days later I received a call from the client's mother; she reported that the client was now able to use her apartment normally, and sleep there peacefully without nightmares. In addition the lingering smell of her deceased guest was now gone.

21. Do you drum?
A drum or the means to get one has not come to me yet. I generally use a rattle, which I make myself. Rattles have the advantage of being less noisy in an apartment setting, more portable, and a bit more flexible to use. They're also incredibly simple to play, making it easy for me to have someone rattle for me when I journey or work with both hands on something else.

22. How much do you charge clients?
I ask that people pay for materials and travel. My time and work can be compensated with a donation of a client's choice, or barter. I would rather be informal and accessible than end up treating my calling too much like a business. Doing so would shift too much focus away from the work at hand.

23. What are your views on other paths?
I agree with the "many paths" approach of Unitarians and certain Buddhists. I think that there is a lot of legitimacy and beauty to be had in various religions and spiritual practices. I also think it's entirely possible to live a full life without spirituality, though I know that's not for me. The basic question I ask any adherent (or non adherent) is, how's your heart? Are you happy? Is your path based in compassion and thoughtfulness? I would rather deal, for example, with a loving and true-hearted Christian than a corrupt and advantage-taking Pagan no matter how much more I can relate to Paganism. Anyway, it's not my business how other people choose to view and talk to the Divine, you know? Freedom of religion is a beautiful thing.

24. Why are you so OK with using technology when shamanism is a nature path?
Shamanism is not just a nature path, though that is where its most powerful roots lie. The modern spirit-talker needs to be able to survive and practice in environments overrun by human cityscapes and heavily informed by technology. A significant portion of human life happens online these days. The Net is now a vital part of society, commerce and education. Technological advances are helping those of us with health issues, like myself, live longer and better lives. Like those animals and plants which have learned to thrive in the cityscape and take advantage of its artificial environments, an urban shaman can make use of technological tools in her practice without compromising herself spiritually. 

About This Blog

This blog is intended to illustrate the path I have been set on as shaman, medium and spiritual healer. My hope is that those who are called to the shamanic path find it useful.

You're going to notice a few things about this blog right off the bat. First of all, I may polish my words, but I don't varnish my opinions. I have very strong feelings on issues such as commercial neoshamanism, abusive group leaders, and practicing magic or spiritwork without any kind of ethical framework, and that is going to come out. Second, I will not be speaking to you as an academic or some "great spiritual leader". I am merely showing you what I believe and what works for me. Your mileage may vary, and frankly I wouldn't want you to simply swallow every damn thing that I write down without questioning, cross referencing and otherwise approaching it in a practical and intelligent way. Third, you will notice a distinct lack of wide-eyed idealism. I was just such an idealist a decade ago, and I got my ass kicked. I don't encourage it.

Some sections, such as the FAQ, will end up being edited for clarity and additions as people ask questions and the blog expands. Others will be standalone. Some of my posts will be transcripts of sessions with my spirit guides--or, like the section on ethics, a joint effort. I will make sure to label everything accordingly, but if you ever get confused or have questions, please drop me a comment and I'll address the issue.