Unhappy Medium: Why I'm Not An Initiate in Any Possessory Traditions

I just had another run in with someone who was absolutely horrified that I have an altar set up and work with spirits at all when I am not initiated into his tradition. Because I am not, he claimed, I am automatically serving the wrong spirits, am being deluded by negative spirits, cannot possibly know what I am doing, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. My twenty years of experience mean nothing to this guy; because I'm not doing it his way, according to his tradition's rules, I am incompetent, fooling myself and otherwise Doing It Wrong. And he topped it with another old saw: I am Endangering Myself.

I get bullshit arguments from people like this about once every few months. Smugly convinced that theirs is the One True Way, and that they have the right to judge other people's practices by their standards even if that person is from another system altogether, they universally claim to have my best interests at heart while insulting me, talking down to me and picking away at my beliefs. I need a formal teacher, they claim--and I should pack up my altar and avoid anything spiritual whatsoever until I find one. So when I engage them and ask, "OK, so, are you planning to teach me or help me find a teacher, or are you just here to try and shut me down?" they hem and haw or say it isn't their responsibility or that they don't know anyone in my area--and so on, and so forth. People like this would rather have me back at the point I was before the Umbanda house sucked me in: alone, desperately looking for a teacher and crying daily because I need spirituality in my life but couldn't find anyone reliable to teach and initiate me. The joy and satisfaction I get from working with my spirits and helping other people is nothing more than a dangerous delusion, they claim; without their in-group's stamp of approval, I actually have nothing.

That this is horseshit should be self-evident to anyone with any sense. But it always upsets me. Not because I think there's even a particle of truth to their judgment of me, but rather because it brings back some very painful memories. You see, there are reasons why I do not have a formal initiation into any traditions, and it all boils down to one painful truth: People Suck.

First off, you have a lot of mediums who will not teach white people period, and have plenty to say about why. White people are culture vultures. White people won't take it seriously enough. White people just want instant gratification and won't stay the course. White people just think ATRs are trendy. Blah blah stereotype blah. Because I'm white, people like this feel free to tell me that I'm wrong for even seeking out training, for the above "reasons". I can't even walk into a botanica to buy a freaking bottle of Florida Water without being stared at, and if I ask questions I run into a wall of Spanish and suspicious looks. I'm sorry that so many white people actually have jackassed around with other people's traditions, but I don't want to waste my time trying to convince some paranoid, bigoted person that I'm sincere and hardworking when I know it won't work. I have tried it multiple times before and they never budge a single inch. And why would I want to learn from someone like that anyway?

Then you have people who would be happy to teach me--for a great big giant pile of money. Oh, and please ignore the fraud reports and complaining former customers and initiates. Or the fact that I seem to know more about the spirits than they do. Pay no attention to the money-grubbing fake behind the curtain...

Some teachers are competent, openminded and willing...but they are invariably several states away.

And then there's the Umbanda house. The biggest reason why I'm not initiated and not part of a group has to do with the trauma I experienced at the hands of the one group that would take me without demanding piles of cash. Read carefully, because this is the only time I am going over this.

In the House there was an Elder. He was the only one who was willing to explain things to new people on a regular basis, he showed interest in us, and he was the only one who actually watched the new mediums during trance to make sure we wouldn't get into trouble. Sounds like a great guy, right? Except that the information he gave out was incomplete, skewed and riddled with lies. That and he started sexually molesting me during bembes.

You read that right. This guy would follow me around, check to see if anyone was looking, and grab my breast or my crotch or shove his cane between my legs. He spent one event literally following me around grinding against me while pretending to be possessed--and none of the others did a single thing to help me even when I walked up to the other Elders while he was doing it so that it was happening in front of them. I was too shocked and scared to speak, and that just encouraged him. Either he would pretend to be possessed and molest me that way ("oh, the spirits are just getting frisky!"), or he would wait until I was too tranced out to defend myself and start in on me. It was terrifying. But at the time I bought into the lie that I HAD to initiate, and so I tried to stay on in the hopes that he would lose interest. But it only got worse. Finally, in desperation, I demanded that something be done or I would call the police.

The Umbanda house's other elders responded, all right. They labeled me as "crazy", "oversensitive", and "prudish", and threw me out. It did not matter to them that six other women in the wider community had accused him of the same thing. It did not matter that they had witnessed him doing those things to me. I was "stirring up trouble" and so they got rid of me.

It was the last straw. Since that time I have practiced alone, and been very reluctant to try again with another group. In fact, I only started networking with members of other possessory traditions again about three months ago. VERY tentatively networking. You don't get burned this many times, and to this extreme, without a teensy little bit of reluctance.

So whenever some jackass comes along and tries to tell me that I MUST initiate, and must not practice in any form without an initiation, I feel like screaming. "Initiate with whom? How the hell do I find someone unprejudiced, reliable and local? And HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW THAT I CAN TRUST THEM?" But I doubt said jackass would care. My story, what I've suffered, what I've learned, the efforts I have made or how my life has improved since I went back to solitary shamanic practice don't matter to them. All they see is someone going it alone whom they want to shut down. And the more it happens, the more reluctant I am to associate with other mediums AT ALL.

I've shed enough tears over this. The next one of them who tries to tell me that I MUST STOP PRACTICING, THE SPIRIT WORLD IS FOR INITIATES ONLY is getting the link to this page, and a hearty GO FUCK YOURSELF. They would take from me what I cherish in the only form that I can practice it, and what the hell gives them the right?

Tarring me with the "plastic shaman" brush....

Newsflash: I am not a Tungus Saman. Or a Lakota Medicine Woman. Or a Marakame, or a Sangoma. In fact I belong to no hereditary paths whatsoever. I make no false claims about who or what I am. So why do I occasionally get confronted by some angry, politicking ass who wants to call me a cultural appropriator and a fake? As far as I can tell, it's because I'm white. I'm stealing no rites, my ritual tools are made with my own hands under the direction of the spirits, and anything that I do do which is similar to what an indigenous shaman might do is fairly universal (like using a rattle, for example, or saluting the directions). But I just can't get rid of that pesky Caucasianness, and thus no matter how original, respectful and dedicated I am, some people are going to hate me for daring to speak to the spirits.

Newsflash number two: the spirit world is not the sole purview of nonwhites. It may amaze ignorant clods like the one that attacked me online earlier today to discover this, but some of us pasty folk receive the Gift and the Call to serve the spirits as well. And I don't apologize for that. I am no Lynn Andrews or Carlos Castaneda, laying claim to someone else's traditions without proper training, dedication or attitude. Instead, I am trying to build a new tradition from what the spirits teach me, which I intend to pass on to others with the right motives and mindset regardless of their race. What I am doing is neither the cash-grabbing of the plastic shamans and $hamans, nor a borrow from anyone's tribal traditions. It just is, it works, I have built on it slowly and carefully, and the idea that I am a fake because I don't belong to any cultures with an unbroken shamanic lineage is narrow, bigoted and pathetic.

Newsflash number three: I am not in any way ignorant of the damage plastic shamans and the money grubbing crowd have done to both shamanic truths and the cultures they appropriate from. Nor am I ignorant of the fact that I have no ancient, unbroken tradition at my back. I wish I did. It would be nice to have had the security of a human teacher and lineage. Unfortunately the old Wiccan adage that "when the student is ready the teacher will appear" turns out to be crap--if you're expecting those teachers to always be human. Tribal medicine people have the right to restrict the teaching of their traditions to those they share a tribal lineage with. Core shamans have the right (legal, if not moral) to charge piles and piles of money for their trainings. But both practices have left people like me out in the cold. I used to think that this meant that I could not be a shaman. But that is horseshit. Humans do not get to hold me back when the spirits call, and I was punished severely by those spirits when I let myself get discouraged. Which leads me to:

Newsflash number four: No stranger on the Internet's rantings are going to hold even a tenth the weight of the spirits' opinions or the opinions of those whom I have helped and collaborated with. Trying to tar me with the brush of "plastic shaman" only demonstrates an ignorance of both the term, and of me. Thank you, drive through....

Ahhhh. It was good to get that out of my system.

In other news, it is finally raining! As I slowly dry out, I remind myself of how desperately I asked for rain, and remind myself to be grateful even while I drip on the carpet. Heh. Now to see if a wet enough January can make up for our bone dry December.

Random Stuff Saturday

Uh yeah, What He Said....

Hugh wrote in early today with a particularly insightful response to my latest post. Included was a quotation that I wish to share:

"For those who believe, no proof is necessary.

For those who don't believe, no proof is possible".

--Stuart Chase

He definitely has a point. Perhaps the most frustrating part of dealing with a skeptic is that there is absolutely no way to prove your points in a way that the skeptic will understand. You can point out some of the studies that have been made of various "paranormal" phenomena, cite the people you have helped, and so on until you are blue in the face, but far more often than not it is impossible to bridge the divide between believer and nonbeliever. This is why your victory lies, not in convincing the skeptic of anything, but of maintaining your belief and practice in the face of skepticism.

Where the Hell Is The Rain?

It has rained all of one day in the Bay Area so far this winter. One day. That is nearly one for the record books. This is worrisome. Not only because rain is cleansing and nourishing to the land, fills our reservoirs and empowers me personally, but because it is in no way natural for this region at this time of year. If you are local to the San Francisco Bay Area, it might be time to add a request for rain to your prayers and rituals. Yes, I know rain-calling is so widely used as to be almost cliche, but there are reasons for that.

In the modernized world, water comes out of a tap; many people give little thought to its ultimate source unless the news reminds them. The rain cycle is something that we learn in school but is quickly forgotten as irrelevant by most of us. But there was a time in our more rooted past when rain was a life-or-death prospect for those who worked or foraged the land. Rain was both a mercy and a threat: too little and crops died, wells and streams dried up and people were seriously endangered; too much and crops--or animals and people--drowned. The buffer of water reclamation, purification and distribution technology may have left us complacent in this matter, but--it is only a buffer. It cannot supply us forever. At times like this, staring at a drastically subnormal rainfall figure, we are reminded that we are not so independent of the natural world as many of us would like to believe.

They're a Dessert! They're Pornographic! they're....

I recently inherited a set of what are variously called Mochi Balls (isn't that served at Japanese restaurants?) Shaman Balls (errr), Moqui Marbles, Moqui Stones, and Shaman Stones. Whatever you call them, they are concretions--compacted sandstone surrounded by a shell of hematite. They are brownish grey, seem light for their size, and come in two types--males, which are lumpy or have crystalline growths on their skin, and females, which are relatively smooth. They are generally used in pairings of one male, one female. The energy of the two types of stone supposedly interact with each other in an interesting way.

Moqui Stones--or whatever--male on left, female on right

Rockman has a great article on the stone's physical properties and provenance here. As for their metaphysical properties, there are websites all over the Net about their supposed ability to balance the energy body, promote healing and restful sleep, and all sorts of other good things. As with any other stone or material, I prefer to see for myself, so I'm going to start working with them and seeing what I come up with.

The pair I inherited are large gumball sized, and fit perfectly in my palms when I hold them. Once they warm up they become very comfortable in the hand and difficult to put down--I'm currently two-finger typing with the male in my left hand, female in my right, largely because I can't stop picking the little buggers up and playing with them. It is a very relaxing experience, and I'm reluctant to let go. There's definitely something to these rocks, though it will take time for me to determine what.

Standing One's Ground In the Face of Spiritual Challenges

Last night I had a three hour argument with someone close to me about my spiritual practice. This was someone from whom I had every right to expect support, or at least tolerance. He is a lifetime Pagan, he has unusual lifestyle choices of his own and emotionally he certainly should be in my corner. And perhaps he even is--in his mind.

But what came out of his mouth was fairly outrageous. The underlying message was one of arrogance ("I am more of an authority on all things mystical and spiritual than you are even if I've never practiced shamanism in any form"), presumed authority over me ("I don't believe in X, Y or Z mystical practices and neither should you; you should follow my lead in what to believe") and dismissiveness ("No, your beliefs are wrong, because I say they are wrong"). In addition he tried to convince me that I should submit myself to the scrutiny of a professional debunker in order to "prove" my beliefs. (What the hell?)

It gets worse. He has shown an alarming disregard for my rights and boundaries in this matter--such as when I caught him fiddling with my ritual tools ("I'm just making sure you're using them correctly") and placing an image of his god on my altar ("He did it, it's not my doing"). When confronted, he became defensive and spewed even more of the above at me, ignoring completely that it is not his right to touch my power objects, any more than it is his right to try and tell me what to believe. In short, his words and behavior were toxic, and before I accepted my path wholeheartedly they would have sent me into a frenzy of self-doubt.

But that was then.

He seemed absolutely amazed when I instead stood up to him. And hurt, which is ridiculous considering how he had been treating me. We talked it out, but I honestly worry that he is too wrapped up in his cynicism and belief that He Is Right for this to end in any way but more arguments.

Ultimately, though, he could not shake my belief in my spirituality; the only thing he managed to shake was my belief in him. That also seemed to shock him; after all, I was directly challenging his presumed authority over me in this matter. But the point was not that he eventually had to back off; the point was that he could not make me doubt.

Every once in a while you will run across people who will challenge your faith, rights and boundaries. Your challengers will range from skeptics demanding undeniable proof in scientifically verifiable fashion, to the spiritually deluded ("You're going to Hell"/"You can't be a shaman without X piece of paper that you paid a pile of money for"/"You can't be a shaman because you aren't part of an indigenous culture") to the inexplicably motivated ("I know that the word "shaman" is the most widely used term for your spiritual practice, but HOW DARE YOU USE IT.") How does one handle a situation like this?

1. Take deep breaths. The calmer and more focused you can be the better.

2. Do not internalize what they are saying to you. Just because they presume authority over you and believe themselves to be right does not mean you have to buy into it.

3. Don't take it personally. Chances are that the person you're dealing with is so blinded by their own issues that they have no idea how much of a jackass they're being.

4. Remind yourself of your right to your own path, your reasons for being on the path, and the spirits who have chosen you. Do not let yourself be swayed away from these by someone else's words.

5. Choose your battles. Stand up to them verbally if you feel it is necessary. If it is possible, walk away. Remember that it is not your job to convince them of anything. It would be better to be able to have an evenhanded conversation on the subject, but some people will just not be able to give up Being Right long enough to listen to what you have to say.

6. Purify. Smudge, take a salt bath, seek out more positive company, and otherwise do your best to leave what was doubtless an uncomfortable conversation behind you.

7. Check in with Spirit. Make a small offering, go journeying, talk to your Guides. Reconnect. Get back on the horse spiritually.

A challenge to your spirituality should not be viewed as an attack where you are being victimized; that places you in a position of weakness. Instead consider the challenge as just that: something for you to rise to and overcome. You are stronger than you think. And even if you're faced with someone too egotistical and stubborn to bother arguing with, your victory in this matter does not lie in winning a verbal argument. Your victory lies in remaining steadfast in your spiritual truth.